What Really Matters
“It’s not my fault that Billy stuck his hand down the garbage disposal. Stuff like that just happens sometimes. I mean, what can you do? One minute, the kid’s fine and the next thing you know he’s waving that bloody stump around the kitchen and raising hell. What a mess. All I was trying to do was keep the house clean. What did he have to go and do that for? It was spotless, let me tell you. And anyway, once he regained consciousness and I found the rest of his thumb, the kid was fine. Which is more than I can say for that garbage disposal. It doesn’t work right anymore. Makes this God awful noise like some demonic Satan machine. Sort of a high pitched wiiirrreeeeh! Sounds just like the exorcist come to the kitchen sink.
“Anyway, I think that I’m a damn good babysitter. You know, a good babysitter is hard to find these days. One that cares about what really matters. You know, the important things, like keeping the house clean. And kids today are getting so hard to handle. How many kids did you say you have? Two? Well two’s fine. Once you get more than that though, you’re just asking for trouble.
“So after I put most of Billy’s left hand in the freezer and wrapped his stump up with some cling wrap, I dragged him to this chair in the living room. A beautiful chair. Such a nice big comfortable chair … forest green if I remember it right. He’s a big boy and it’s so hard to carry somebody when they’re passed out and limp as a chicken. Just like a soggy mattress, but I managed all right. He looked a little pale, but that’s okay. At least he was breathing right?
“Well after that whole mess, I decided to go watch a movie. That family has so many video tapes. It’s unbelievable. So I watched Friday the Thirteenth: Part Four and The Shining with Judy Ann and Arlene. They’re Billy’s little twin sisters. Six years old and they look exactly alike. Curly blond hair and blue eyes. Can you believe it? Anyway, when the movies were over, I couldn’t find Arlene and Judy Ann looked a little pale, so I decided to go fix dinner.
“So Arlene shows up and wants to take a bath and make some toast at the same time. Well I couldn’t see much harm in that, although it was a little strange. Making toast in the bath tub … How does that get you clean? But I said it was all right and she took the toaster with her to the bathroom. Kids do the cutest things. Well I’m fixing some salad and the next thing you know the electricity goes out. May God strike me dead, it was the weirdest thing. The lights were on in all the other houses. So I called Arlene for dinner, but I guess she couldn’t hear me at the other end of the house very well because she didn’t come to the kitchen when I did.
“I couldn’t see in the dark worth anything, so luckily I found some candles by the stove and got them lit somehow. But I guess Judy Ann got too close to the flame or something because that hair of hers caught fire real fast. Burned up real quick before I could find that old fire extinguisher. She always had the prettiest blond hair I’ve ever seen. But I guess she can always wear a hat or something and the other burns from where her dress caught fire were only second degree. Who knew that the gas was on anyway?
“Well, I charge five dollars an hour and I believe that looking after those three gave me a lot of experience. I think it went pretty well to tell you the truth. I must say, after all, that was the best macaroni I ever did make for dinner.”
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)